Hello, My Beloved.

So about one and a half years ago my bestbud Brandon and I wrote a song, I’d completely forgot about it and I could never figure out how to play it (cause the last time I tried was a long time ago, before I was descent at guitar). But about 30 minutes ago, I started humming the tune, kinda crazy. Its probably one of the coolest memories I have to offer, partly because Its a worship song, and that’s cool that God inspired it, but the other part is that I wrote it with Brandon. I doubt he loves the fact as much as I do that we wrote together, or that he cares I miss doings those things with him but yeah, that’s another blog for another day ha ha. Luckily for me I have a kind of photographic memory (only to the things I care about, I don’t use it for school aha). I replayed the first time he played it a year and a half ago, before I could play guitar, sat down and figured it out. I don’t know how to describe it, but here it is.

“I pray that someday
I can have the faith to move a mountain
I pray that someday
I can have the faith to heal a blind man

God, nothing is impossible with you.
God, nothing is impossible with you.

Your truth will give us
Undying faith to
Do all of this and so much more

I pray that someday
I can have the faith to walk on water
I pray that someday
I can have the faith to calm a troubled sea

I know I must grow
Its this faith that I need
Lord please help me now
And water the seed.”

Its kind of redundant, and lacking clever rhymes. But I like it, and if you’ve ever heard it, hope you do too :)

So I’m at the laundromat with Toni, Monica, their mom and brother. It makes me think of when I was a kid living with my mom and brother in la. I never hated going to the laundry as a kid. In fact, I always looked forward to it. It meant, Mcdonalds happy meals, watching the swirling clothes mix their colors as they wash and dry, cable TV (mainly the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air from what I remember) usually staying out late, and clean clothes. Just never looked at this place as something bad thing. I never thought of why we wen there instead of having our own washer and dryer like other families. I still don’t think it’s a bad place to go. If anything, it’s a sobering place. I mean if you would look around you’d see: sad and desperate looking people walking around like zombies, checking the washer and dryer every 5 minutes. The teen mom carrying her screaming kid while trying to put clothes in a washer, a tore up couple fighting over useless stuff to you, but their whole world to them. And of course the usual Mexican family, over stuffing a washer trying to save a few quarters. It shows you, you may not have it as bad as you think (living/money wise). You could be in worse spots. For whatever reason It may be now, I still do enjoy the laundromat :)

Simple rhymes and simpler times, it’s what keeps me going.

To the one I’ve been looking for:

Hello, hopefully you know me, hopefully I know you. Either way I want you to know, you’re beautiful inside and out. Others hearts drop as you walk by, I know cause mine did just thinking of your existence. You are the sunrise in my horizon, reaching far into the dim parts of me, leaving me wanting more. Hearing your voice could make both, my heart melt, and turn my stomach into knots. Nations will fall and ships sail in your name, the sun can’t touch you, and the moon has no pull to your ocean where you lay. I could never hesitate when I want to say I love you. In fact your anthem would simply be love, in song, as a feeling, and as a nature. You are my right hand, guiding, letting me grip this world. If I were to loose you, I would have nothing but half a heart, because you held the other half in your hand. How romantic your whispers, and how lovely is your voice. Just with one breath, I loose mine. I can see myself in your eyes, looking at you, I can see us, best friends or lovers, whatever you’ll be will suffice. This letter could be for one person or multiple. But, the point of all this is to say, I love you. With everything, I Love You.

Hold me fast, hold me now.

Have you ever stepped outside of yourself? Outside of your usual routines, your usual activities, your usual thoughts, and realize that you’re, well that you’re alive? It feels like you were complacent for just a second and BAM! Your old, you look different, and have a feeling of urgency to act outside your now routine lifestyle. Well it’s been happening quite frequently to me. In my church activities, my job, my friends, but the most apparent situation I’m feeling is that, I’m a Senior. Its easier for me to do then I’d like, I think and say “I’ve got time, I don’t need to hurry.” but as soon as I have a breakthrough in my current reality rear it’s ugly head, I’m in a panic. I guess it’s cause my only friends are younger then me, and have years before they have to deal with being a Senior. I have no idea what I’m gonna do after I graduate, I don’t have a specific career I’d care to chase after, or even a goal in mind. I guess I’m content with letting my life past me by, an part of me isn’t necessarily against that idea. Other people in my grade already have colleges, plans, and ideas they’ve lined up for their future. But then again, they have their parents saving up and helping them out every step of the way. But again, another story for another blog. I have ideas of sorts, Australia for 3 years to go to Hillsong’s worship college, Horizon School of E, and community college for music, or just nothing. Either way, any of these options don’t seem very possible from my current standpoint, as it is I’m considering not even graduating. Really what’s the point? I’m gonna bomb the SAT’s so why stay in school?I just wish I was good at something to fall back on. Well now my subjects are getting all mixed up and I’m ranting on different topics. I guess the point I’m trying to make, in sort is: I have no clear future, it’s scary, but I think I could live like this.

We’re all lost and begging to be found I guess.

Out of all the feeling that we have, isn’t it funny how this one; Love, can be the one that kills us the most? It can hurt us, scar us, cause us to go to complete desperation, and utterly make us crazy. How many times can you say you were a victim to this secret enemy? I’m pretty sure I’m safe to say, a lot right?I’m not talking about family, honestly my family has lost it’s place in my life, and has no place in this blog, but that’s an entirely different blog for another time. I’m just tried of this feeling of intimacy and goodness, acting in an opposite way. Leaving you lost, and lonely causing you rethink and second guess yourself, and will have you questioning why you ever opened up to this person in the first place. But isn’t it also funny that this emotion that can kill you, make you forget every bad repercussion it’s caused once it’s reciprocated in even the smallest way? The friend you dumped your heart and very being into finally shows some sort of equal feeling towards you, from being with you through the tough times, and even simply looking at you, hugging you and saying they love you. The smallest thing, can make the biggest impact and change for me. I think it would be better if I was never shown these feelings, it would hurt a whole lot less then having the feeling of loosing it.

Forget regret I guess.

So lately I’ve realized, I have an overload of girls as my friends. Don’t get me wrong, it’s cool, seemingly being surrounded by women might seem greeeeat….but I wears me down haha! All the talk of hot guys, periods, and every other girl things. It’s just silly. So this blogs about how I want guy friends (thus the name of this blog: Boyfriend). I’m in need of serious guy time! I have few of them, but our raft is sinking in the sea of girls. Its kinda turning into a desperate need, I want to do stupid things, goof off, be a guy, and yes I’ll even say this: play sports! Haha. But instead my life is consumed with mall trips for; shopping, and new clothes (not that it’s a total bad thing, I do enjoy shopping! Haha) But seriously, it does feel weird having this missing in my life. The people (the feeble “Bestfriend(s)” relationships I have) I do have, have better relationships with others, and don’t really have time for me and it’s depressing! Sigh. Listen to me! I sound like a girl. But either way, I need to fix this. I need boy-friends! Hahaha ;)

Hi, I’m Chris and I’m 18. Jesus Christ is Lord, and he loves us, that’s where I stand. Spelling, punctuation, and grammar is everything here. I’m in love with multiple people, from casual to deep. As a warning, based on who I know I am, a lot of my posts will be about love, feelings, my personal thoughts, and my life/others lives/life in general, so if you’re uninterested in that then yeah, I warned you. I really don’t know who’s gonna read this, or why I’m writing this to begin with. But I do plan to follow up on this, I need something to write out my thoughts. Maybe a public forum isn’t a good place for my thoughts, maybe its a passive aggressive outlet for my frustrations, buuuuuut either way Its gonna happen. Thanks for reading whoever you are :)